When sex isn’t sexual
App-based dating can be problematic because of how often these scenarios can come up: a friend, from work, from a casual hookup, from a mutual friend, etc. Regardless of where the first encounter came from, you can definitely run into unpleasant instances. But many sexual dilemmas can be avoided if you factor in some general — and specific — advice.
Relax
Hooking up probably isn’t the first thing on your mind after a long day. You want to relax, and so does your partner. Casual sex should feel and be a pleasant experience for the two of you. If it’s not, then you really should consider trying to meet up again with the person.
Get to know them
While building a casual relationship with someone you’re attracted to may seem like a contradiction in terms, it’s important to note that this isn’t just about who you like. The best casual sex encounters involve people who get to know and trust each other. Here are some ways to do that.
Meet them at a bar
Parties in general are great places to find some connection, but meeting at a bar is really great for dating someone who is on a casual date. You’ll be able to hit it off right away — people are often on their best behavior at a bar.
Get to know them a little bit
But if you want to go really “casual” with this, you don’t need to be drinking at all.
Have a coffee
Chances are that casual sex at a coffee shop is great for some people. It’s intimate, you can talk at a steady pace, and no one wants to stand on ceremony when it comes to coffee. Try to slow things down a bit, and see if the two of you start to really click.
Go somewhere you can talk
If you want to go on a date, there are several options.
An art gallery
You can get to know someone better while talking about things you like and can appreciate, like art. Plus, most people are keen on talking about it.
A coffee shop
While this might not be a good way to make a first date work, it’s a relatively safe, low-risk way to get to know the person. All you have to do is ask the person out, let them set the pace, and see how things unfold.
A bar
Another easy way to approach something casual. People
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One of the downsides is that it’s far more likely to lead to casual sex — and that has been linked to a lot of the negative outcomes of casual sex, like sexually transmitted infections (STIs), violence, and unplanned pregnancy.
“It’s a one-night stand that may be casual in the sense of having no history but it has significant potential consequences for the person who has the ‘quickie,'” says Jethro Nesbitt, coauthor of the book Casual Sex: Hooking Up, Faking It, and Finding Real Love.
The ease of access to sex has also been a giant leap in development for the transgender community — many trans people struggle with public identification in conservative parts of the country, especially those areas where discrimination and violence are accepted. This can have even more serious implications for trans women of color, who face heightened risks to their safety when hooking up, due to the degradation of the stigma of “tranny” on their overall identity.
By gendering one’s partners, though, casual sex is surprisingly attached to a specific identity as well. “If you’re not identifying with it, [casual sex] could be seen as just another form of role-play,” Nesbitt says. And once again, those identities are more likely to be tested by characteristics like race.
Have you been on the casual sex tipping point?
If you haven’t crossed the line yourself, you may know someone who has. It’s a very real thing: some people, like Menchenger, have seen casual sex break down their own identities, even if just for a moment.
“This was a classic case where it was taking over a big part of my life, and I was making decisions about it that were terrible,” Menchenger says. “The more social life I have, the more social behaviors I have, the more experimentation I have, the easier it is to slip into this place of yes, I like being casual about these things.”
Maybe that’s why, even when you’re at a turning point in your life, the size of the cake, the amount of icing, and the type of toppings all seem to be inversely proportional to that one dreaded word: responsibility. You really want casual sex, so as long as you can rent from Netflix without some parental justice boss checking your whereabouts, you’re going to try it, right?
The inverse relationship of partying to responsibility is so strong that even if you are committed to
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